Third Culture Kids/Cross-Cultural Kids (TCKs/CCKs) are known to be social chameleons; they can appear to fit in everywhere with everyone. This skill is highly adaptive and often allows them to ‘fake it until they make it’ in new places, with new languages, cultures and people. TCKs/CCKs are extremely observant, and they can seamlessly cloak themselves in a host culture much before they officially adopt the customs and rules of engagement for themselves. This is a skill set that buys them time to adapt to the ‘new’ during their transition phase of acculturation. This is an extremely useful talent to use in these situations and another marvelous ability that many TCKs/CCKs have at their disposal to navigate their life full of incessant change.
In this pandemic, this ability has likely been engaged by TCKs/CCKs in your life. They may be trying to adapt quickly, to shift expectations, to hold everything loosely and to adjust to the constant ‘new’ that floods our pandemic lives. This can be exhausting and can take a toll on our energy and mental health. This season is a unique season of change, of constant change, of difficult change. TCKs/CCKs are using their honed tools of observation and hypervigilance to figure out how to live their pandemic life.
I want to propose a shift from the ‘fake it till I make it’ mentality in this instance. I am suggesting that TCKs/CCKS might want to try to ‘feel’ their way through the hard parts of this pandemic instead. If you or someone you know is a TCK/CCK, let me offer some practical application of what this could look like. Rather than trying to constantly adapt to expectations that move like a revolving door, validate the emotions attached to this reality. Instead of white knuckling your way through this storm, carve space for the feelings it stirs up to be felt. Try to share your emotions with a trusted therapist or friends and family. Share the good, the bad and the ugly. Sit with the discomfort and share in the universal experience of ‘wishing things could stay the same or go back to how they have been.’ Let the emotions attached to this common experience be felt in community instead of alone. The community you are in, wherever you are, will intimately feel the familiar ache that you inevitably feel when everything changes yet again. This might be the first time in your lifetime that so many will deeply and personally understand your grief.
In this way so many will understand on a new level, the longing that most TCKs/CCKs feel every time they land in a new location, enter a new school or build new friendships. In this way, you may be able to ‘feel your way through’ instead of ‘fake your way through’ and you will not be alone. People might comprehend why you ‘try so hard to fit in’ or retreat into your shell. They may understand that it is not just ‘cool’ and ‘exciting’ to have had all the travel and experiences you have had. This forced transformation is hard and jarring and painful at the same time.
Know that the resiliency that you earned through navigating each previous season is available for you to access and use in this moment. It may take a while, but my hope is that it will eventually feel better to embrace and express your emotions. As you acknowledge the difficulty, I think you will find that so many in your life will have had a revelation in this pandemic and it will give them personal insight into this complicated facet of your story. It is vulnerable but it might be worth it.
If you are a TCK/CCK who needs someone to talk to, you do not have to stay isolated and alone. We are here to provide extra support. Parents, if your child is hurting, reach out to them and reach out to us. Help is available. If you or your child would benefit from a consultation, we invite you to our care page where we will put you in touch with a therapist who specializes in TCK/CCK care.
Find us at youthcompass.org/care/
We are here for you; we can navigate this together.
