When I travel, I am struck by one phrase that the flight attendants always state during their introduction, “Put your mask on first before assisting others.” This phrase must be included each time because, in the case of parents’, internal instinct tells them to do something very different. When crisis hits, most parents want to shield their children, put them first and sacrifice to any length; parental instincts tell us to help them avoid pain at all costs. This is all honourable and automatic but it could potentially leave those same precious lives vulnerable if their parent doesn’t have oxygen pushing through their own mask first.
Wherever you are reading this from, you too have been in a state of crisis for a significant length of time. Many parents have had one or more little, (or not so little) lives that were depending on them to stay calm and to breed security in this past 18 months. These young people have needed you as they have weathered endless disappointments, loss, reduction of freedom, uncertainty and boredom. Maybe you succumbed to the temptation to only prioritize their comfort and wanted to reduce their stress by putting them first in every moment of every day. If this sounds familiar, then you may have forgotten to take care of yourself, or haven’t felt able to and have been burning your candle at both ends. This can result in burnout and compassion fatigue, especially now that the adrenaline that accompanied this crisis is long gone.
Let’s reframe what I’m saying this way; caring for yourself IS caring for your child. As we enter stage after stage of adjustment and transition to a ‘new normal’, parents have to make themselves and their mental, physical and emotional health a focus too. Prioritizing your self-care as you juggle the intensity and complexity of this ongoing situation is hard but essential. Whether it is the instability of family finances or the extensive list of unknowns’ self-care actually gives you a better likelihood of being able to care well for your children in the midst of the ongoing chaos. It is not selfish to prioritize your own care; it is necessary to weather this crisis well together and to be ready to ‘show up’ in your life for your family.
Self-care will look different in this season and many lifegiving options that would be part of your old routines, may not be available yet or again. Being in limbo doesn’t mean you can’t call a friend, do an online workout, go for a socially distanced or virtual walk or sit in the sun in the backyard, breathing deeply for a few minutes each day. You will have to be creative but as you intentionally and regularly carve out attention for yourself, you give yourself capacity to care much more effectively for your children. Additionally, you will model this caring, tender, healthy behavior for your children as they are actively learning ways to manage this new level of stress in their own lives. As you find a bit of relief from this tension and pressure yourself, you will gain a little breathing space which will enable you to offer them a different kind of parent in this next wave.
Personal support can make the difference between merely getting to survive or beginning to thrive. Put your mask on first. It’s the most loving thing you can do, for them and for you.
If you are a parent of a TCK/CCK who needs someone to talk to, you do not have to stay isolated and alone. We are here to provide extra support. If it’s your child that’s hurting, reach out to them and reach out to us. Help is available. If you or your child would benefit from a consultation, we invite to our care page where we will put you in touch with a therapist who specializes in TCK/CCK care.
Find us at youthcompass.org/care/
We are here for you; we can navigate this together.
